HOW do you Apply Grace with Your Dad?

This way you might not expect...

I sat down with a Pastor this week and he shared something with me that got my attention! He said that when we judge our Fathers for the sin that they committed in failing us, we actually perpetuate the same sin in judging them. The response: Apply Grace.

In my book Loving Your Father Even Though He…, I talk about the necessity of applying grace. The purpose of the conversation you attempt to have with your Dad is not to condemn your Dad, but to help the two of you to grow in your understanding of each other. As believers, we are literally “saved” by grace from our sin. If that is the case, we need to give grace to our Dads in this conversation. Hebrews 4:16 says, “Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” We literally approach a throne of grace when we approach Jesus because he sympathizes with our weaknesses, knowing himself what it was like to be tempted to sin. If he is that gracious to us, we need to be that gracious to our Fathers. When sin isn’t the focus, but the relationship is, it allows for more understanding.

We want our speech to be gracious toward our Fathers so they can feel safe in the conversation. In Colossians 4:6, Paul is encouraging us to walk in wisdom toward outsiders, saying, “Let your speech always be gracious…” Even though this verse may not be in context for the conversation with your Dad, I think it’s a good metric to carry throughout the conversation. When I read that scripture, it makes me think of staying very calm, peaceable even, while in my Dad’s presence. When someone is gracious to me, they say things like, “You probably already know this, but for the sake of sharing I…” or, “That must have been hard. I can’t relate, but I’m with you on this.” Both examples here show there is a clear indication that the conversation is safe. We want our Dads to feel safe.

We need to remember that innately our Dads may have always wanted to be good Fathers. That means that even if they didn’t know how, they weren’t taught well, or they quite simply didn’t try to be a good Dad, it’s possible they would have liked to have done it better. Romans 3:23 is clear that “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” It’s why we desperately need grace and thus why our Dads need it, too. It’s our job to let them know that that our desire is not to dwell on their failures, but to move past them, especially if they express that they wish they would have done a better job.

For all we know, our Dads have been carrying the load that they weren’t good Fathers for a long time. This is another reason to keep applying grace as you’re having the conversation. People don’t always have the guts to apologize. I’ve been a coward many times in my relationship with my wife when I knew I needed to say I’m sorry, but I’m kicking the can down the road like I’m some helpless pup and I don’t apologize. I’m just being too stubborn to apologize because my pride might get bruised. Sometimes we’re so worried we might look bad for a moment, we don’t apologize. It is entirely hard for some people to apologize. Give your Dad credit for any attempt he makes to understand, connect, or apologize. And if he does none of these things, be compassionate. He may not have gained the understanding you have of the conversation. Celebrate connection and sincerity knowing that your Dad might not know how to communicate what he’s been carrying.

Encourage your Dad if you see he’s trying to get the words out to apologize or to reconcile. I love the scene in the movie I Can Only Imagine when Dennis Quaid is trying so hard to connect with his son and ask for his forgiveness, and he starts by saying, “I want to make things right, you and me…and um…I don’t know what to say, I don’t know how to do it.” I think he’s telling the truth. As a Dad, he doesn’t know how to do it. We sons and daughters have worked through our wound. We know how to stay healthy in today’s culture better than any other culture before us. We know how to take care of ourselves. We know what’s good for us, and we know better how to get stuff out, because we have support in this day and age more than ever before. We talk to individual counselors, marriage counselors, psychotherapists, and psychiatrists. Remember that. And try to help your Dad get it out rather than get mad that he doesn’t know how to do it well. That’s grace. You may need to apply the same patience you want someone to apply to you. You want it to be a relief for your Dad that you don’t expect him to have it all together.

Think about a time when you lost your receipt for the store that doesn’t do returns without a receipt, yet the store clerk does the return for you anyway. That same relief is what your Dad may need. I know it’s hard because all that emotion is going to well up inside you when you’re talking and you’re going to want to burst, but Jesus got you here. Do it for him. Do it for your Dad. Apply the grace needed to help your Father get it out if you can see he is trying to make things right.

For the Kingdom,

-Matthew J. Wolak